The Attachment Parent & Me

I love being a mum. I had always wanted to become a mum and when I was 25 I was blessed with having our son who is now a vibrant 9 year old. Before becoming a parent I had the mistaken view that I could regiment our baby, have set nap times, set bed times and a multi-coloured diet. I was wrong. When I held our son in the hospital ward, alone only a few hours after giving birth I was faced with a question that I didn’t ever think would concern me. I needed the toilet but I couldn’t leave him at the side of my bed. I had the assumption that I would be able to pee freely whenever I had to, that I could leave him for breaks and not have him glued to me but in that moment, I looked at him and just knew I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t risk peeing and leaving him alone even for 5 minutes, he was so small, so perfect and so fragile, the fear that something could happen in those moments was all consuming and in all honesty this fear has never left. I was very ill-equipped on the labour ward, our son had arrived earlier than expected, my hospital bag was not prepared and we were in the middle of a house move. I wanted to breastfeed our son but only had a night dress with me and the thought of showing my post-partum granny pants and saggy tummy to give our baby access to breastfeed was scary and anxiety provoking, if only I had known to pack pyjamas to save me from that stress.

When we left the hospital as a family of three I was exhausted and didn’t know what to expect as I felt so completely different to what I had imagined I would. I wanted to feed on demand, breastfeed whenever and wherever our baby needed it and I am glad to say that I did, we successfully breastfed for three and a half years and that we continued on demand feeds including during the night for that period of time but it wasn’t what I was prepared for. I was suddenly a parent to a tiny little bundle and I wanted nothing more than to never be apart from him and suddenly having a cot in his own room seemed pointless, the Moses basket seemed pointless, I thought to myself I don’t need these things, I need a baby wrap to carry him and I need to co-sleep, I don’t want the distance of a cot, for him to waken in the night cold and alone just made me feel so upset so I knew I needed to do all that I could to meet all of his needs, all of the time.

So we were lucky enough to get a co-sleep cot and attached it to our bed, although in all honesty it was pretty redundant as I tended to dream feed him throughout the night so he was always by my side in our bed. Breastfeeding was such an amazing experience for me, I just loved every second of that bonding time with our son. I had professionals and older people commenting on how he should be sleeping throughout the night, how he should be down to less feeds in the day but I somehow just innately knew that he would let me know when he was ready for those things, I would happily feed him 20 times a day if that was what he wanted and on many days I did and sometimes I did feel touched out but I knew I was doing what he needed me to. The phrase that 98% of all of my problems could be solved with breastmilk was funny and ringing true and I would rub our liquid gold on bumps, rashes, have milk baths and just in general turn to it before medication for the majority of problems.

This attachment wasn’t something I had ever considered but I was so overwhelmed that I welcomed the calm and reassurance of knowing that I was with him at all times to feed him. This then led into the excuse of never to leave him with family for a “break” because I had to always be there to breastfeed and this gave all three of us the reassurance that he was always safe, seen and having all of his needs met.

I will admit though, at some point during the hormones and extreme fatigue that the numerous night feeds brought with it that I started to suffer. My mental health plummeted and I realised that I had put all of my being into being his mother that I forgot to care for myself. I was eventually diagnosed with Post-Natal Anxiety and OCD and it was a really dark time for me mentally but I was able to block out my struggles by having the now learned term of being an “Attachment Parent” and baby-wearing, breastfeeding and bedsharing family so I didn’t feel like I was alone knowing that other parents felt this way too. My husband throughout it all supported every instinct I had for caring for our son and never questioned never having time alone with me and he always done exactly what we needed and this impacted on him too but he is and was the most supportive husband and has always insured that our son comes first no matter what, with who or when. But, the OCD was hard, it still is, I was finding ways about my home every day to obsess over, like counting our stairs or tapping our light switches as I believed that those obsessive compulsions would in some weird way keep us safe.

Our son is now 9 and we still practice attachment parenting to some extent, he has never spend a night away from us and has never been without us for more than a couple of hours and even then only a handful of times. We home educate so we are blessed with the joy of seeing his interests grow and to help him learn at his own pace without us having to keep up with the rat-race and a life that would otherwise see him conform and be squeezed into a box he didn’t fit in.

Our son has autism so it brings with it it’s own challenges but I know that had I not had anxiety, had I not been so aware of all of his signs when he was a baby that he might have had to wait years for an official diagnosis. He was diagnosed officially the day before his 4th birthday and it had been a long 2+ years getting to that point with some many professionals involved in the process from speech and language to occupational therapy. As a mother my instinct knew that he had autism, I knew he needed us to advocate for him. This diagnosis has allowed us the knowledge and understanding that we know how to best communicate and best care for our son. At 9 years old we are still very much an “Attachment Parenting” family and he is meeting milestones in his own wonderful way, he co-slept with me until he was 7 years old and there was no better way than to start every day with his cuddles. In every moment with him from pregnancy to childhood and beyond he is always both of our first thoughts, first needs to be met and first always because we believe it is our duty and gift as his parents to help him thrive in every and any way we can and we are truly blessed to be able to do so. I never aimed for attachment parenting, I had never heard of a helicopter parent but I knew instinctively when holding him that very first night on the hospital ward when I wouldn’t leave him for a minute to use the bathroom and in that I knew I would do anything to protect him. Always. So I think attachment parenting found me, it found us, it was never an aim to begin with but it is something I would advocate for again and again with parents expecting little one’s. I will never look back and think I wasted time, I will always think back and wish I had treasured it more and for longer.